Part 15: The Meaning of Self-Destruction

Summerlove left this town
It was too cold to bathe and the leaves turned brown
The sun went down
And with it the love we found
That's the way things are sometimes
Most of the time

-Jose Gonzalez

...


"So, there's no hope?" Evan agreed to meet me at a local cafe to talk. He was always my go-to for advice, even if I didn't agree, and he always had such interesting things to say. Plus, I just didn't know what to do about Adam.

Evan was also aware that I still had feelings for Noah.

"Well, I don't know," I said. "You can't make someone love you. And I just don't see it happening."

"Stranger things have happened, you know. Like the inventing of Velcro."

I laughed. "Maybe, but I'm still married."

"But a marriage is a complementary partnership. If you're unhappy, Nic, it's not fair to you or your husband."

"I know this, but don't you think it's my duty to try? To try to make it work and to try to be happy with how things are?"

"Happiness isn't something that should be strived toward. We either have it, or we don't. It's like relaxing; if we tell someone to 'try to relax,' it's oxymoronic and counterproductive. The very act of relaxing is to be in a state where we don't exert ourselves. You need to be happy with yourself, and I dont think you are."

"Of course I'm not. I wanted to go to grad school, get out of this town, and feel like I am doing something with my life. Instead, I'm stuck in the same damn town with a job I hate and no real plan for the future."

Pause

"Honestly, Nic, I think you married too early."

Duh.

He continued, "This is neither the medieval times, nor were you in an arranged marriage, so you shouldn't have to learn to love someone."

"It's too late," I shrugged. "I'm already married. The damage is done and I've got the scar."

"What scar?"

"The one that's blaring across my forehead! The one that would say DIVORCED in huge red letters if I decided to leave. It screams 'I CAN'T MAKE IT WORK.'"

That really got him going. "This isn't The-freakin-Scarlet Letter! No, it shows that you're human and that you live and learn!"

I let out a long sigh, as if to say "I guess."

"As human beings we are all prone - no, preordained - to screw up. We can either throw in the proverbial towel and give up, or use that damn towel to wipe the dirt off our elbows and knees, and then the sweat off our brows, pick ourselves up and go forth." He went on, "If the fact you were previously married is a reason someone uses for not being with you 100 percent, then they can fuck off. Honestly. But who you are - who you are - should be more than enough for someone to thank the Heavens they have opposable thumbs."

I smiled as I fidgeted with my coffee stirrer.

"Unless you're into the non-opposable thumb sorts. If so," he raised his cup, "to each their own..."

"No, no - I am a huge fan of opposable thumbs," I laughed.

He smirked, "Whew. Oh, good."