Part 3: Into the Spiral

Christmas break had just commenced and instead of having dreams of sugarplum fairies in my head, mine was filled with thoughts of a certain young man. I had sent the email to Noah one week earlier, which had all my feelings and thoughts neatly wrapped in a tight little package, and was almost certainly waiting in his inbox yet to be read. A wave of foolishness and regret rushed over me the more I thought about it.

I wasn't exactly a stranger to a casual date here and there - while Noah and I were on hiatus - and since I had no commitment to him, I wasn't afraid to mention any of these dates to him. Could that be the reason he wouldn't commit - because he thought that I couldn't? Panic struck as I realized what I had just done, and I had an overwhelming desire for a way to reverse a sent email. (Seriously, why hasn't anyone devised this feature yet?)

...

On Christmas day, as tradition, my family traveled to San Francisco to spend the day with my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, who all conveniently lived in the city. My whole family speaks fluent Chinese (except my brother and I, of course), so these family get-togethers were relatively boring for us. We sat on the couch and watched as our family talked loudly and laughed and gestured, and every once in a while we'd hear one of our names and our ears would perk up. We'd ask what was being said and my mom would look at us, laugh as she barely managed to get out the word "nothing," and ultimately, we'd end up cursing the day we forgot how to speak Chinese. If it weren't for the television, I really don't know how I'd have survived holidays.

As I sat on the couch and watched the news in Chinese, I felt a vibration under the seat of my pants. My phone was ringing.

"Who, in their right mind, would call me on Christmas day?" I wondered. I pulled out my phone, but the number was listed as "Unknown." I usually don't answer if I don't know who's calling, but curiosity sometimes gets the better of me. Especially on holidays.

"Hello?" I stood up from the couch and walked into the nearest bedroom, closing the door behind me.

"Nic..." That's what friends call me for short - apparently "Jehoadan" is too hard to pronounce, and "Nicole" is just one syllable too long.

"Yes?" I asked.

"It's Noah." My heart stopped. And after the usual 'How are yous' and 'Fine, thank yous,' he got right to the point. "Look - I can't talk long because I'm in Mexico with my family, but I was at an internet cafe and briefly read your email... I would really love to talk to you about it. But I think we should talk in person as soon as I get back."

I hesitated. I couldn't tell if it was a good kind of "we need to talk" or not. His voice was cheery, but maybe that was just all the holiday spirit. "We need to talk" conversations are never good, right? I swallowed hard and managed to say "Sure, of course" without sounding too preoccupied.

"So, how is your Christmas going?"

"Good!" I lied. "It's always nice to see family."

"Great! Well, I really should be going... long distance and all."

"Oh, right... Well, let me know when you're back in the country. Have fun in Mexico!"

"I will. Merry Christmas! Tell your family I said hello."

Click.

That was it. My heart was pounding. This guy was the love of my life, and this all seemed so easy, so casual for him. Why was I suddenly nervous?

I heard my mother calling my name through the door, and a mention of "dinner." I shoved the phone back in my pocket, wiped the sweat from the palms of my hands, and joined the rest of my family.