It depends on my mood, really. Sometimes I think, You know, this isn't so bad. I can do this. And other times, I catch myself feeling more and more desperate to get out with every passing second, dripping with sweat and panicked. And thus, I find myself completely divided. Is it easy to stay with Adam? Of course it is. It's probably the easiest thing I can do, even if I am miserable at times. Even when we fight, even when I can't do anything but cry myself to sleep, it's easier to stay. And sometimes it's good. Sometimes we joke and laugh and act like children. It usually doesn't last long, but I can't deny that it happens. Most of the time, though, we're just there. We exist, we are.
Can I do this for the rest of my life? I'm really not sure, but making that decision now scares me. I won't ever know what the future holds until it gets here, and that's really frightening for me. I like having control over things. I don't like the idea of leaving things to chance.
I feel like I've got the proverbial angel-and-devil-shoulder-dwellers, constantly arguing over what I should do. But really, I can't even say that one is evil and the other not, because the idea of "good" is so skewed in my eyes. Besides, that would make my decision far too easy. Maybe they're both angels, but with differing opinions. Or both devils. Or both just confused people like myself.
One of them believes that I should stay; that joy comes to those who work at it, to those who pray. It's my duty to stay - that's what I agreed to do when I stood at the alter and recited those vows. It's the commitment that I chose for myself long ago and a commitment that I must keep; a covenant that mustn't be broken.
It's also the Christian thing to do. The Bible clearly states that God hates divorce, after all, and it's been my constant life-long goal to do what's right in the eyes of God. Shouldn't that be my clear answer?
But then, the other speaks up. He is constantly telling me a different story, that we all make mistakes and that's what we're allowed. It can't be expected that we live perfect lives. Even if we could, that would completely nullify the idea of grace, which is a basic Christian fundamental. If we were perfect, we wouldn't so earnestly need God, nor his forgiveness.
And what's worse? A marriage that is in no way edifying to the body of Christ, or a divorce that may be a wake-up call that allows both parties to grow stronger as Christians?
Thus, my two friendly shoulder-dwellers make conversation in my ear. And either way, they both agree that I need to make a choice. I wish there was a better way of knowing which one to make.
I think my biggest struggle now is that, even though I appear to be trying and appear to want it to work, I'm secretly hoping it will fail. And maybe all these ideas being whispered into my ears is just my way of trying to find a loophole, and I really do know what the right answer is. Am I staying because I feel guilted into it?
How do I know what is merely religion, rather than absolute Truth, and how can I differentiate between what God wants for me from what people say God wants for me?
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2 comments:
Hey you. I just think you need to take some time away and reflect, pray, meditate and sit in silence to listen to your maker, the one who loves you, even in the midst of your worries, fears and doubts.
I would even recommend reading the story of Job, and how the Christians, at first responded by just sitting there with him, but then they begin to nitpick him and say he is doing things that have caused him to be afflicted such as he had sin in his life.
It was Job who had questions and God listened. It was then God who retorted back to him more questions! "I made the mountains and the seas, and what have you done?" etc.
And at the end, God tells him that the friends were wrong and he should go to the length of getting a sacrificial animal and ask them for forgive us.
Be encouraged in the fact, like Job, that God loves your honesty, your questions, your doubts and your fears about everything.
You wouldn't want to lie to your friends, so why should you keep lying to yourself?
I continue to pray for you. To pray for honesty. Communication. Love and friendship in the midst of your marriage. Take care Vanessa.
Haha. I meant to say that God asked him to ask those men who came around him for FORGIVENESS. Not "forgive us". I was tired.
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