Part 18: Now it's Legitimate

Feeling alone
with you by my side
Further and further away
Funny how long a moment can seem
when you're trying to hold on

Feels like I'm falling out of love

-Aqualung

...

My family means more to me than anything this world can offer, although I'm not sure if it's because we have a very small family or if it's just the values we've been brought up with. We've never been rich, and at times we've been barely able to make ends meet, but we've always had eachother. And I honestly cannot tell you when the last time my brother and I fought, because I'm not even sure it has ever happened; we're just that close. As my dad always tells us, "I may not have much, but I have a wealth of love for you."

Ever since Adam and I have been married (just over a year), we have been switching off holidays between our families, as most couples do. This year, Thanksgiving was spent with my family and Christmas will be with his. Being that family is so important to me, I'm having an extremely difficult time being okay with not seeing them for Christmas - easily our favorite holiday. In fact, my mom started crying over our Thanksgiving dinner because I wasn't going to be around this year.

I warned Adam afterward that I may seem like I'm fine, but really, it's tearing me apart inside, and I would really need his support. I don't think it got through to him.

I convinced my parents to come to our house this past weekend to celebrate Christmas early, so that I would be able to see them and give them their gifts. They, of course, thought it was a great idea and drove down Friday night. We met them at the restaurant at their hotel for dinner.

Now, Adam and I were doing fine up until this point - I can't say that I was sincerely happy, but I was starting to feel more at peace and more capable of handling my life as a wife. But all throughout dinner, Adam ignored my parents, ignored me, and spent the entire time text-messaging his friends from his cell phone.

The next morning, my parents took us to breakfast, and Adam did the same all during breakfast, then left for the beach and didn't come back for another 5 hours. I was glad to be able to spend some time alone with my family, but at the same time, this was my Christmas with them, even if it wasn't Christmas day, and he should have been around.

The same thing happened during dinner Saturday night, and breakfast Sunday morning. I really have no idea what was so important about those text messages that he need his fingers glued to the keys of his phone. I was so fed up at breakfast that I covered the face of his phone with my hand and asked, "Adam, do you really need to do this now? What is this about?"

He scoffed in annoyance and like a haughty teenager, angrily said, "The guys want to go skateboarding with me later, and we have to work out the details!"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing! He had neglected my family and me the entire weekend, for what? Skateboarding? Not okay. At all.

Adam disappeared to go skateboarding as soon as my parents left Sunday afternoon, without letting the door even have a chance to close behind them.

I tried talking to him when he returned, but it was as if he couldn't hear what I was saying. I poured out my heart to him, he didn't respond. He then put on a Hall & Oates CD and started singing along to it, as if nothing was wrong, as if I hadn't said anything at all. I've never felt so neglected and unloved in my entire life.

I know that something deeper is going on here, but I have no idea what. But I can say now that I'm too tired to do it anymore. I feel like I've lost who I am and that my soul is rapidly corroding away. If I stay in this marriage and nothing changes, I'm going to be a shell of a person in a few short years.

I need a savior.